I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
Challenge accepted
i think i just asked a donut if it was ok
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
Randomize
