I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
Like I respect him so much I would suck his dick
In a very non respectful way
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
I am not walking across campus just to give you a blow job in the hopes that in return i can study more efficiently.
Well I've decided to refuse to conform to society and be naked the rest of the day.
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
You let the ASEXUAL teach sex Ed?!
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