He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
Boobs have been pretty central in my life somehow lately which makes me question if I am truly gay
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
I have photo proof.
Girl, don't care. What's my rule? If I don't remember it, it never happened.
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize
