Reasons why i shouldn't be drunk and upset: i'm going to a boy's
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
good luck with ur interview. Just show them your confidence and don't make that sucking snot noise. Really don't. Praying for you, love mom
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
She was screaming and crying about how she couldn't find her middle finger. Then, she threw her body on to the pavement. Thats the last time we buy a freshmen a handle.
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
