I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
You should know me better than that. I don't whore around. I promise this is a blowjobs only kind of trip.
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
I think i got beer on your cat.
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