You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
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