So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
its time to go be "that drunk guy nobody knows"....again.
just spent about 3 1/2 hours looking for a dollar so I can buy weed.
suggestion: become a stripper.
I love waking up with his head head between my legs, it makes me feel special
Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes.
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
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