Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
I dont care about anyone or anything else I just want to make love to you on my air mattress
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
This is the most scared i've been of my hands since i did shrooms.
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
She really has to stop the coke at some point. Won't she run out of money eventually?
Won't she run out of nose eventually?
Don't come up here. Strippers r crying.
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
Randomize
