Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
I'm pretty sure my calc professer is on coke. He's just too excited for this to be an 8am class.
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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