yeah, i liked him til i heard he had a sac that could apparently smother my face.
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
I hope you get some kind or rare disease that makes your dick ties itself in a knot for fucking her you lucky bastard.
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
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