I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
It was going well until he told me about the 7k he made in college to be in a gay porn
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
Randomize
