just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
Just had a guy dressed only in a towel ask me for a cig, hug me and kiss me then proceeded to pee of the balcony while still talking to me and callin me baby
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
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