Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
Ill do this for you.
You are a team player.
This is me making up for not putting my tongue inside you more.
is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
I think we might need a safe word for this...
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
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