Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
The new google images is a smorgasbord of porn now are plans for tonight are off.
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
ARE YOU SAYING THAT YOU DON'T WANT TO GO TO A PARTY AT AN ADULT STORE WHERE A BUNCH OF HOT GIRLS ARE DRINKING
I'm just gonna start letting dudes eat it. American idol for my vagina
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
Randomize
