I don't understand why some guys want to have a huge conversation while standing at the urinal with cock in hand...
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
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