Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
I just found our entire wall-to-wall from September 2006 printed out and clipped... it's 49 pages. Blackout me is so considerate of bored-at-work me
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
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