she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
how do flat chested girls get laid?
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
Why are you seriouly talking to me about this when there naked pics of blake lively on the internet? Priorities man...
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
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