I got everything I ever gave her back, every picture, and money for the dog. I didn't want it she brought it all back and gave it to me. clothes jackets, pictures, dried flowers, ear rings, necklace...
Sell it on ebay and let's go to the bar
Small dicks are the new regular sized dicks.
Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
1. I feel like Jello 2. The girl i hooked up with last night isn't here and a different girl is lying next to me. 3. I have no clothes on 4. Can guys go on walks of shame?
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
I am just going to stick my boobs out and hope for the best
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
Randomize
