My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
Get out here. Doing shots with the delivery guy. Also, the food is here
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
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