I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
it wasnt even considered partying. it was like "ok, who can get the most shitfaced and not pass out"
You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
Randomize
