ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
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