dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
I only see on penis in this picture but I assume there is another lurking out of sight.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
Same I threw up in 3 different cities already today
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
Randomize
