We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
i love how you can even make your typing come across bitchy
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
Randomize
