Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
We owe the rent and you're unemployed...you're in no financial position to flirt with cocaine addiction.
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
That would explain his violent outburst while watching barefoot contessa...
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
Would fucking the college coach be against recruiting rules?
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
