Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
I just saw that your im name has '4eva' in it. Your man card has been revoked.
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
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