i dont know what it is, i just found it in my pants.
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
I believe some people would call last night an orgy.
I just wish I could congratulate your tits on how much I love seeing them
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
Randomize
