As a matter of fact you told me i fulfilled your "woodshop teacher fantasy"
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize
