my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
I met him yesterday and now he's wanting to hold hands and kiss in public. i hate this
no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
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