Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
where am i from again
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
once he started yelling at me in latin, i wasn't sure what we were fighting about anymore...
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
PS: the photo I uploaded for this internship site is the same one i used for my fake ID. I like to keep it classy.
i felt horrible..i wanted to somehow give him his vcard back
that's a non refundable transaction sweetheart
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
Randomize
