I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
Thanks for your number, i want to ski with you, do party with you and sleep with you. Lucas.
When i left he was drinking an entire pot of coffee out of the pot with a straw. It's safe to say he's using a personal day
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
Randomize
