There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
tequila makes me forget i have legs
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
I have so many feelings about this burrito
So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
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