Dude my mom stole all your condoms
We were chasing that deer in the quad and next thing I remember I woke up in my RAs bed. I'm probably in trouble.
If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
Family trip though. I generally don't wheel too much ass with the fam in tow. Despite the fact my parents would be pleased if I did.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
Randomize
