2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
Randomize
