you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
No that's sign language, not a drinking game. I tried to join
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
Yeah. Still not happy that my prof saw a picture of my vag.
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
Randomize
