I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
I would say a second date is not looking likely, I acciedentally bit his penis. it's still bleeding 43 minutes later.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
no more duck duck goose at the bar
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
While finding our clothes afterwards he says..."So do we like have to talk after this?"
Randomize
