A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
I might be a bit. I accidently started hot boxing the bathroom. I'm just gonna go with it.
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
Holy sore nipples Batman
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
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