im insabelyl wasted and diont know if ill yexyed tou. call me
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
Randomize
