You can't motorboat a personality
my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
splinters make it hard to masturbate
I only have two new blunt burns this year as opposed to freshman year's 6. This is growing up.
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
Randomize
