When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
We did it in the bathroom in Taco Bell. We didn't buy anything before we left, which I thought was rude.
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
Randomize
