we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
Taylor Swift is so right about you.
so she bought me lunch gave me a blowie then paid for the gas since I drove... I think there's a catch but I'm gonna run with it
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
Her boyfriend was hitting on other girls while drunk. But, she said she was okay with it because she is a feminist and she supports all women's decisions.
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
