I'd wear matching sweaters with you
my soul wont recognize me after tonight
i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
24 hours later and my vagina is still tingling. That good.
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
She's the drunk girl with the air-horn and sunflower seeds.
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
True strength comes from lack of pants
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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