I like it. Barfy the gin-flavoured Assman
Yeah I'm pretty much like lane on gilmore girls except my mom doesn't look so mean all the time.
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
Randomize
