The maid of honor just puked.
At least we don't have one night stands
True that. We sink our claws in our men.
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
Randomize
