I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
just watched the video of me leading you with a trail of french fries.
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
so after 3 days of looking i found the keg...looks like somebody tried burying behind the garage
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
u ever get horny for food. i ordered a bunch of crepes and its doin it 4 me
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
Randomize
