Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
i have now learned nap means the same thing as sex in college
I could feel myself puking on my feet but it was so warm i didnt even care.
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
We lived together for a year and neither of us knew we were both gay.
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
We took it as we must go to waffle house or else we will upset the gods.
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
I need to calm my uterus...
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
Randomize
