What ever happened to making out with a few boob grabs here and there?
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
Randomize
