It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
Interestingly im still mad at you for the time we got high and you tried to hump me.
Lol thats a classic
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
Would it be out of line to take a picture of all the earrings, rings, hairclips, and other miscellaneous girl items that I found under my bed and post it on facebook and tag all the girls that I slept with this year so they can claim their shit and get it out of my house?
I don't really know how to explain this place...it's like I feel like I need an std just to fit in
Regardless of the amount of alcohol you may consume tonight - DON'T take anybody home
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
what the hell is that chicken wire thing she's holding?
An artistic expression of her stupidity.
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
Randomize
