Is it possible to jerk off a nipple?
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
i just got yelled at for having sex. this sorority thing is worst than being at home. at least at home they think im still a virgin
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
But how will the next generation learn about life choices without a Jersery Shore?
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
The bong is packed and it's taco Tuesday come over
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
wyd
Laying here debating on if i want a sandwich or an orgasm.
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
Randomize
