The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
yes we were fucking thats why i put "watching a movie" in quotations
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
BOOTY CALL IN EFFECT, BOOTY CALL IN PROCESS, BOOTY CALL ACCEPTED, AND BOOTY CALL INITIATES FRIDAY NIGHT.
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
he asked me where I was going to school, and then we started having sex, and I answered his question forty five minutes later after we were done. It was the chilliest thing ever.
I wore my lizzie mcguire socks to the bar last night. Because that's how i get all the ladiez
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
Thanks. I just smoked a bowl topless so I'm in heaven right now.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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