I puked a lego.
Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
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